最实用|文书错误案例示范及自查手册（上）

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最实用|文书错误案例示范及自查手册（上）

使用建议：在提交文书给他人修改之前，应按照常见错误形式的表格检查自己的文章三遍以上。

如果自己都不敢回看三遍以上，说明文章是失败的……

一、不简洁

1.1 无关信息

1.1.1 过程描述过度

示例："Okay, what now? What about picking a short, easy play and working on that?  "she asked.

"Yeah, that's fine. In that case we'll save a lot of time."my friend seemed to agree.

Hearing other groups talking about how to rush through the assignment of producing a play in Chinese class, I felt a little uneasy.

"What do you think?" I asked anxiously.

"You mean we are doing this like a real thing?" she asked.

Here it came, the doubt. Granted, for students who was planning to go to take the Gaokao, the severe college-entrance-test of China, letting an in-class play take their free time instead of burying his or her head under a pile of books is obviously a terrible idea. Yet I was extremely passionate about things that I had not done.

描述和小伙伴们商量做某件活动的过程。146 字，PS 限制 650 字的话就占了近 22%。想用对话描述准备的紧张、纠结、犹豫，想法很好…… 但完全没必要写满 4 句话加上中国 教育背景介绍。

建议：和文书主题/个人形象无必然联系的描述越少越好。推动情节发展的过度用两三句话

带过即可。

虽然在回忆活动的时候会情不自禁的想把各类对话和情境都真实的展现……但要记住过程

的描述是为了人物形象服务的。过度陈述即变得无聊。

1.1.2 描写他人过多

示例：I want to become someone like Paul Tudor Jones who is one of the most successful and talented trader in Wall Street. I am impressed by his self-restraint and considerate. As a businessman, he strictly follow his principles and know what his base line is. So every time when he accepts orders he can understand what maximum orders he can trade a time and never allow himself to overtake it.

这是一篇 225 字的短 why essay，用了 70 字描述 Paul Tudor。。。

都不知道是为了 Paul 写 SAT 例子还是自己在申请大学……

建议： 明确题目类型和写作目的。

带入其他人物的时候，切记不要让别人抢了自己的镜头。要记得其他的人物实际上是作为推

动情节发展/突显主角形象而设置的……

1.1.3 无关的负面信息（关于自己或他人） 示例（关于自己）：

示例1：When I was living there, because of my severe asthma, I was not able to attend the kindergarten. In the routine life from home to the hospital or the park near home with my loving but too protective grandparents, I grew up to be timid. According to my grandparents, when I was four, I could not even cross a 10-centimeter-wide tile joint without hesitating for a few minutes.

此同学目标是描述他初期胆小但后来变得勇敢（但后期事例也没有说服我）……

欲扬先抑这招很容易过犹不及，比如用一整段甚至举例说自己胆小。

越是在前面铺陈负面信息，在后期就越难翻盘在 AO 心中的负面印象，而且占了不必要的字 数。

建议：别写或缩写。比如此例在第一句话结束后加一句 and thus became a timid girl 就好。

示例 2："Stop thinking about it", dad stared at me disappointedly for my being too young and na?ve. "You have tried to be a scientist, a pianist, a singer and a writer. Last time when you began working on literature, I thought you had found what you determined to strive for, but how could you drop it ?" said dad worriedly, "You see, your desk-mate has been practicing the piano for his whole primary school and he will carry on steadily. Everyone believes he would be a successful pianist. If only you could model yourself on him and choose something to concentrate on! You are wasting your time!"

此同学目标是描述冲破父母压力追求梦想。但同样过犹不及。 关于学业压力、父母、中国教育的吐槽是所有学生都会面临的……然而过度描写父母的不好 会显得不成熟且无礼。

建议：把吵架、抱怨的各种对话和细节缩写成一两句话。如 After a tortuous argument with my parents/ Faced with the pressure of ....（注：下一句不要像 SAT 作文一样接 I held fast to my goal，而是开始细节化的过程描述或者真实的心理描写）

1.2 繁冗

1.2.1 重复用词

示例：比如明明是一个意思一定要写成排比 diligently and perspicaciously   annoyed and angry（这个没那么讨厌，但不要过量）

或者明明一个词可以写完硬要用两个不尴不尬的词 interesting  and  fascinating,  lovely  and friendly...

或者三个排比句一定要重复用一个动词。。。 I want to do; I want to do: I want to do (want 换成can,choose 同理)

建议：1 换词。好好用 SAT 和托福的词。

2  少用同义词平行。看起来虚，读多了啰嗦。 句子平行就很漂亮，但一堆近义词就不一定好了……

1.2.2 从句过多/长

示例 1： I felt surprised but perhaps it is possible to mix these concepts for the kids in the orphanage of Singburi city in Thailand where I joined in an international volunteer program to help improve the living conditions of an orphanage.

一句话当中不应加入过多信息。原本在 orphanage 那里就该打止，或者在 for 那里加入孩子们犯错的原因，但是此同学硬是把时间地点目标全都加了进去……这样介绍背景过于生硬。

建议：从片段切入逐渐加入背景。好的文章应该如同笔墨丹青，慢慢勾勒出远山和近景，让人有代入感。

示例 2：To understand the world is to reveal the essence and motivation underneath events, laying the foundation for me to make some difference to it as an international journalist. I'm convinced that it's not only theories but personal experience with poverty, various cultures, and different social classes that offer me first-hand resources about the place we are living in.

放在 why major 文章开头，两句都是复杂的从句。 但是合起来感觉表意不明。

建议：个人认为开头应尽量简洁，最好直接回答问题。从句过量时还不如简单句清爽明快。 要给阅读者脑袋休息的句子。

下期给您带来关于不具体以及无逻辑的错误案例示范和修改建议，敬请期待！

以史上最强的常青藤教授团队为核心，吉斯文书立志打造中国最尖端的文书批改服务，为有意向申请美国名校的同学提供最高效的文书服务。吉斯文书服务项目涵盖个人陈述、申请短文、个人简历以及推荐信。服务类型分为精品文书润色和顶级文书服务两大类。多元化、系统性的文书批改润色覆盖了学生需求的方方面面！

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